The Pleaser’s Guide to Saying “No.”
For some of us, myself included, saying “yes” is almost more of an impulse rather than a conscious decision.
We find ourselves spending the day on other people’s “to do” lists and meeting others’ needs before our own. The pleasing habit is easily reinforced because we benefit from supporting others. It feels good to help someone out. Unfortunately, in our attempt to please others we let our own goals go by the wayside and can even hurt those we want to help by becoming resentful.
The following ideas are great ways for even the most entrenched pleaser to say “no” in a kind and empowered way.
Say “yes” to the person and “no” to the task. Saying “no” doesn’t mean we don’t care about the person. Guilt is a reason we often say “yes” when we know we should say “no.” We may worry that the other person will not like us or it will have negative consequences if we say “no”. By saying “no” in a kind way, we soften the “no” and make it easier to say. For example, “I would like to help, but I am too busy right now” or “Thanks for thinking of me, but that doesn’t work for me.”
Be direct and hold firmly to your decision. We’ve all seen the kid in the grocery store who knows if he begs long enough he’ll get the treat. Like children, adults too will keep asking for things unless there is a clear commitment to “no.” Don’t set yourself up for failure, or in this case saying “okay, I’ll do it.” By holding firm, you will respect yourself, your schedule and teach those around you to respect your time.
Turn it around - Whenever you say “yes” to something, you inevitably are saying “no” to something else. As an example, if you say “yes” to working late, what are you giving up? Time with someone you love, an hour of rest, a workout? By being mindful of your decision making process you live more purposely. So ask yourself, “if I say ‘yes’ to this additional task, what will I have to say ‘no’ to?” And “is it worth it?”
Stop “should-ing” on yourself. Years ago a fellow coach said this to me and I’ve been a happier person ever since. We think we should make dinner, we should finish this task today, we should go to that event. Really? A better question to ask is “do I want to?” Put your interests into your daily plan. Once you stop “should-ing” on yourself, you will have more time for the things you WANT to do.
Empower Others. It’s actually important to say “No.” In the name of helping, we may unintentionally hamper other people’s growth. When we say “no” it helps our colleagues and loved ones realize that they too are capable. It took me a while to stop getting water for my kids every time they asked for it, but once I finally did - guess what? They figured it out. This goes for the office too. Showing that you trust someone enough to allow them to do the task grows your coworker’s skills and confidence while giving you more time to do what is important to you.
Pause. It’s hard to make changes and break habits. If saying “no” directly to your boss or a friend is difficult, start by pausing. Start by saying “I’ll get back to you.” Give yourself a bit of time to decide. Ask yourself, “Do I have the time to take this on?' Do I have the interest? Is it my job to do this task?” By creating a habit of pausing before you respond, you put your own needs into the equation.
Change is not easy for any of us and learning to prioritize your own needs can be especially difficult. Be brave! I challenge you to do one of the approaches above every day. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but as you see the rewards of creating space for yourself at work and at home, it becomes freeing. How will you say “no” today?
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